Seven years ago I sent the first nine thousand words of a thing I had been writing to my dear friend and asked them if they could read it for me, and affirm the sneaking suspicion I had, that I might in fact, be writing a novel.
This was the post I wrote about it that morning…
I'm on my way to talk to a real life human being about my novel...a human being that isn't inside my head, or sound like my inner monologue. I am excited and I feel sick. I'm learning lots this year, about doing the things that you really, truly want to do. I always thought I wanted to feel fearless, but I've realised that fear is never going to go away. And that's okay. I still want to feel scared, but I want to show up anyway, because I know it's okay to be vulnerable and I know it's okay to dream big and do your thing. So, here's to standing on the ledge. Yeah. Do it. I dare you.
A year later I finished the novel and submitted it into a competition. A year after that it was published. Three years after that I got a three book deal and my second novel was published.
I’m so grateful that past Claire wrote that post and that I get to atone today with some kind of significance. As I’ve been pondering why it feels so important, I’ve realised it’s this…I got permission.
I already knew what I wanted. It had been my most secret dream to write a novel since I was about seven years old, but because it was my realest dream I kept it safe inside and didn’t tell anyone. Until I did. Until I felt ready. To say it aloud…This is what I want. And instead of that yearning being enough, what I then needed to hear was someone else say to me, “Claire, you should keep going with this.” They may as well have signed me a permission slip.
How many of us are waiting for a permission slip to pursue the thing we already know we desire most? That’s the thing isn’t it? Allowing ourselves to do, be, have, go for, learn, say, leave the things we want is terrifying…how can it possibly be as easy as knowing, then acting? But it is that easy.
You don’t need permission to do any of the things you want to do, or to feel the way you want to feel. Or maybe you do. Your own.
So, write yourself a permission slip. Actually.
I, Claire Christian, give myself permission to trust my intuition and the fact that I already know what I want, and what I need to do. I give myself permission to experiment, play, try things on for size, and fuck up wildly in the pursuit of feeling the way I want to feel. Which can change in any given moment. I give myself permission to be the boldest, wildest, most authentic expression of myself and to never, ever again minimise myself, my truth, and my values for the sake of another person, relationship, or institution. I give myself permission to heal, and let go. I give myself permission to be awestruck and delighted by how good I can feel. I give myself permission to be the only source of permission I ever need.
Now, your turn….
I, [insert your name] give myself permission to…
Signed: [your name] Date:19/01/2022
Permission Granted, darling one. Permission Granted.