I am practicing the hardest thing ever…no, not running, although that is hard, but this is even harder…I am practicing saying what I need out loud and having boundaries. WHY IS IT SO HARD?!
I had a sticky situation at work this week where I had to speak truthfully about some things, I had to place boundaries on my time, and articulate what I need in the future. I jumped on to my Instagram stories after and woefully moaned about how hard unlearning people pleasing is and I was INUNDATED with messages for the next twenty-four hours from people feeling, and navigating, the same things. It was nice to know I was not alone. We’re all out here showing up for ourselves and trying to be kinder and we think we’re alone. But we’re not. We’re parallel playing the hard stuff.
Old patterns die hard because this shit is ingrained, and what I realised is my body doesn’t know that this new way is safe and good. What is safe is how I’ve been doing it my whole life…minimising my feelings, fixing it, going along with the majority, feeling anxious, saying yes when I wanted to say no, and overcommitting. All of these strategies feel safer in my body then the alternative. Isn’t that wild? So, I am being gentle in this re-training, this re-wiring, this whole new way which is very much the opposite of all of these previous strategies. But let me tell you, it is hard, it feels so uncomfortable in my body. IT DOES NOT FEEL SAFE. This is what I am tying to learn:
Feel my feelings, acknowledge them as real, i’m letting them be in my body without trying to avoid them, or numb them, i’m breathing. Feelings are real, but feelings aren’t facts, so, i’m learning how to slow down instead of reacting in the moment.
I’m letting people do and be and say whatever they need to without needing to solve it for them. If you read last week’s Pearler I am staying in my own garden. I’m controlling the controllable…which is maybe why the one lyric from Hamilton has been on repeat in my head for the last fortnight…”I am the one thing in life I can control.”
I am speaking up when I don’t want to do something.
I’m taking the time I need to make decisions.
I’m saying no and I’m articulating when things have hurt my feelings, or don’t feel good. I’m having hard conversations.
And fuck me, it’s hard work. Healing is hard work. Why don’t we talk about how much hard work is required to unravel and untie all of the bullshit to come back to fundamental truth…that we know, and we’re already good enough.
I tattooed the words, ‘exactly as you are,’ on my ribs when I was nineteen. I knew it then, that I was enough exactly as I am, just because I am alive. And yet it is the lesson that I keep learning over and over again, going deeper and deeper the older I get.
If you’re in the hard bit too, the unravelling, I see you. I am standing right alongside you. We are braver and more capable then we let ourselves believe. We have no idea what is possible for us…like, running for twenty minutes straight - a month ago I didn’t think that was possible for me and now I’m sitting here in my sweaty active wear knowing something else entirely about myself. We don’t know what we don’t know. This applies to ourselves and our futures too…we don’t know what we’re capable of doing, and feeling.
This week I’m pondering inspired action…the embodiment of how I want to feel and I’m making little actions every day that align to that future dreaming feeling…living as if. I guess it’s like faking it till you make it, in a way. And right now these inspired actions are speaking up, noticing what’s happening in my body, breathwork, joyful movement, and considered rest.
One action at a time. One day at a time.
We can do this.
Big love.
Claire.
I’ve just uploaded three Play Date workshop dates onto my website if you wanna come and play with me once a month for the next three months. My Play Date workshops are about creative nourishment and joy. They’re a two-hour play space for you to show up, be held in a joyous space that’s about your creativity…just because. No deadlines. No bullshit. Just because. I’ve decided to pop them at the end of the month because I want to think of them as a little check-in monthly inventory. A chance to slow down, take a breath, and commit to ourselves for a few hours. Come along.