Full messy garden on display.
Living BIG, no approval.
I've had a revelation this morning. A thought that truly supports the not my garden, not my weeds ideal I really want to live by. Lots of intersecting bits of knowledge I've grabbed from books and podcasts have all collided together.
Welcome to the puzzle chaos of this revelation...
First, there's Brene Brown and her Living BIG theory. A common factor in her data was finding what the most compassionate and wholehearted people had in common was their capacity for setting and holding boundaries. Which is mind-blowing really in a culture that celebrates selflessness. That martyrs people (especially mother's) for their care and abandonment of self for the greater good of others. Living BIG stands for: Boundaries, Integrity, and Generosity.
What boundaries do I need to put in place so I can work from a place of integrity and extend the most generous interpretations of the intentions, words, and actions of others? (Rising Strong, Brene Brown.)
The integrity piece in this is something I've been thinking a lot about lately, especially as an extension of pleasure seeking and celebrating the intuitive nature of knowing.
You Know.
The thing I've been pondering is in order to honour your yearnings, in order to do the thing that your knowing speaks to, not only do you need to take brave aligned action, but you have to believe yourself. It's really bloody difficult to act in your integrity and your knowing if you don't believe yourself, if you don't believe you're worthy. And so many of us don't. Or we believe multiple truths because the very contradictory nature of our programming, our triggers, our insecurities means we are constantly in contradiction with ourselves. I can believe wholeheartedly that people should wear what they want because fuck the rules, and who cares what people think, while at the same time being insecure to wear a body con dress, and worried about people staring or saying something. All of it is true and real.
Secondly, I heard something on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast that mentioned considering what the thing you think most about is, to consider what the thought, or type of thought, you always come back to, because there's insight there.
There was also another comment in one of these podcasts that a psychologist made about thinking about what the unmet need that actually sits underneath your rage, or discomfort, or anger. Or any big feeling really. And that was a lightbulb question...that our feelings often speak to our unmet needs. What a quick step to compassion for the most angry, stubborn, or rude folks we come into contact with if we consider that their feelings and behaviours manifest because of their deep unmet needs. Thinking about their deep fear of being unlovable, of feeling out of control, of not being liked is at the heart of all of our needs isn't it? There's humanity in that. It doesn't negate the need for accountability for shit behaviour, but compassion and accountability can co-exist far more than it currently does now.
So all of this has been bubbling away in my always active, four million thoughts set to a soundtrack of whatever earworm song grab is playing (today it's One Last Time from the Hamilton soundtrack) busy brain.
So, I've been thinking about what is the thing I always think about and what need does this speak to. And I knew straight away the thing I always come back to and ponder and have since I was little is the romantic. It is desire, the excellent declarative dialogue of attraction and the swoon-worthy. I can cook up a meet-cute, a romantic declaration, a love affair, in any setting. I have quick penned dialogue grabs in my notes section. I love people-watching couples interacting. I can intuit energetics in a room to see how people feel about each other. I am often in some kind of day dream fantasy state about possible connections. And I will fall at the feet of Patrick Swayze looking back in the rearview mirror of that beautiful 1960s car at Baby because that movie was my earliest education. So, I have pondered what might just be the unmet need that sits inside this most frequent go-to thought (which thankfully I've managed to turn into part of my job) and I realised it all boils down to feeling like I'm enough. Desirable enough. Attractive enough. Worthy of being loved. Enough. Of course it's this.
This need sits at the intersection of so many other things for me, and manifests in so many of my past actions and behaviours, like people pleasing, seeking the approval of others, avoidant attachment, co-dependence, loose boundaries, settling for less, body insecurity, rejection sensitivity, needing to be in control...and when I think about it as all of it simply coming back to the simplest, most human yearning of wanting to be worthy, liked, chosen, and desired, it makes me feel less alone, somehow, because there's so much collective humanity wrapped up in there, because we're all desiring these things at our core, aren’t we?
Now, I've done enough self work to know, truly deeply know, that I am all of these things...worthy, attractive, liked, chooseable, desired. But this knowing can also rub up directly against all the other bits of evidence, hurts, and stories that believe the opposite. All of it can be true at once.
Now, the piece that flew onto the page this morning was this...these desires can co-exist with the fundamental truth that I am the only one whose approval I need. That actions and behaviours that have seen me seeking the approval of others aren’t actually of any benefit. I am the only one with my specific experiences, living in this body, brain and soul, on this day who can approve of my choices, desires and actions. Believing this. Acting on this. That is integrity.
I can hope for the people who matter to me to respect and unconditionally love me and the choices I make, but their approval is not necessary. I can articulate my needs in the hope that they will meet them, but my value isn't dependent on them - it's dependent on me. I have a deep need to be loved, respected, and to feel seen...but I have a deeper need to do that authentically. I want to be seen for the unfiltered, most authentic, version of me. The one who lives in integrity...who knows what is okay and what is not, the boundaried, self reflecting Claire who only seeks her own approval. I'm not interested in the façade, performance, or controlling the narrative any more.
My life, my rules, my approval.
Full messy, imperfect garden on display. It's enough.
I've spent a lot of time asking other people what I should plant in my garden, or seeking the approval and validation of other people's gardens. Or not landscaping the way I want to because of its impact on the gardens around me. And I don't want to anymore. I'm not going to anymore. If I need your help, I shall ask. If you need my help I shall show up. But there's a fence. And lavender shrubbery. There is a boundary, baby. A clear definition of where I begin and end and that is enough.
I am enough. And so are you.