Ducky,
I’m proud of you for leaving. Especially because staying would’ve been fine. Some moments would’ve been great, even, which is what makes it all the braver and more brilliant. Some choices, I’ve discovered, are not as binary as right or wrong, some choices are just choices…two roads diverged in a wood and both roads will be great.
But I think this choice is brave. It’s brave to choose the road not as well lit. The one where you can’t really visualise the path. I find it fascinating that two ultimate truths about our humanity is that we like to feel safe and comfortable, at the same time that we like to feel like we’re living in alignment with our truest nature, and yet so often these two desires are in direct contradiction with each other. The fine, well lit, path is comfortable, you can make out its foreseeable conclusions, a normal path, even if it’s a normal you’ve crafted. The not knowing what may reveal itself on the other path is terrifying and unpredictable.
I’ve chosen the comfortable path so many times for so many reasons; I didn’t have the energy to deal with the change, or I minimised my own needs for the sake of others, or I was insecure, even though my knowing told me the other path was the one I should be on. So, I’m proud of you twenty-plus years my junior choosing the other path.
Choosing your knowing, not the cultural knowing.
The cultural knowing that gets woven into our cells with crochet needles of past and patriarchy. There are rules. There are roles. But here’s the greatest truth of them all…they’re all made up. They’re all made up by institutions that have zero interest in your best interests.
Fuck the rules, Ducky, fuck them all. Except maybe these ones that I’ve learned and can impart to you with all the love and matriarchal wisdom I can muster.
1. You know. My goodness you know. And everything will try and convince you that you don’t, even your own brain. But you do. And you are brave enough to act on this knowing in your own timing, and you are resilient enough to navigate whatever unravels as part of your bold action inspired by your knowing.
2. Peace is the goal. But the kind of peace that is bred in discomfort. Not in keeping it for the sake of others. The peace of knowing your centre and trusting yourself.
3. Centre. Find the things that bring you back to the middle. Your middle. Write or draw or tap or meditate or dance or whatever…ritualise these things. Treat them as sacred. Because they are. Don’t forget there is God in your middle.
4. Go all in. Life is going to be messy and chaotic and hard and wild and aches are unavoidable, my love, so, go all in. Fuck up boldly. Take big swings. Make declarations. Change your mind. Write vulnerable truths. Put it all on the line. Live a big life. I insist that you do.
5. Make art. For you. And when you’re ready share it, and let whatever happens next happen. Control the controllable. Which, as it turns out, is very little. But the making of the art you can control.
6. If it’s not a fuck yes, it’s a no. I’m still learning this one, so please start practicing it now so when you’re my age it’ll be easier.
I wish you the whole world and some.
May your garden grow and bloom and may you plant seeds, and landscape, and re-decorate and harvest so your garden always dazzles you. Your garden, your weeds. Their gardens are theirs, and what they say about yours is none of your business.
Ducky, I’m proud of you, yes, I said it, I’m proud.
Love Claire.
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Pearler is created on the unceded lands of the Yugambeh people and I pay my deepest, and most heartfelt, respects to First Nations Elders both past and present. This always was, and always will be, Aboriginal land.